There is something moving through my body,
A wave I cannot stop, a pulse too strong to ignore,
a power I had forgotten in the slumber of my time in the underworld.
For so long I just wanted to collapse with the feeling of complete exhaustion,
there was the lure of online courses, retreats, workshops, that promised I would be a new person in a few weeks,
I would find inner peace, joy, wealth, love, and more,
And I tried,
I learned and applied myself diligently at all spiritual practices and the teaching I encountered,
I tried to be the woman who had it all sorted, healed, turned around into
a success story after a traumatic life event.
I tried to become the one that shines so bright you get inspired before I allowed myself to share my gifts.
I wanted to be the alluring spiritual offering on social media,
Only that this was not my reality, my truth, my experience,
It did not matter how many courses or spiritual teaching, or activations,
there was a deep seated feeling of failure and desolation.
My heart was in pieces, I felt sad and too tired to even extend my energy to connect with the few friends left in my inner circle.
I got sick of hearing that I needed to have more fun or stop hiding.
I knew there was a powerful wise woman living in the depth of my being,
A woman of light with a burning desire to know herself as an expression of Her.
A priestess of ancient lineage that was here to serve,
A nymph, oracle, sybil that could feel the promise of an organismic life and bring down powerful guidance.
There was a strange polarity between so much inner knowing and so much incomprehension.
A multi-layered experience of knowing myself as my divine essence and within that feeling lost, hurt and angry.
There was a trust that kept me anchored in this darkness and a knowing that I just had to keep going one day at a time,
I did not know the level of soul forging and initiation at play. I don’t even think I ever realized how much love was poured over me to allow such a process of complete re-birth and remembering.
I was being polished in the cauldron of patience and humility for true empowerment is not a small affair.
Sharing our brightest light and all encompassing soul wisdom requires a sacred and solid grounding which may bring about some seriously tough dissolution of our small self beliefs and attachments.
Mine were so well hidden in the fabulous construct of my spiritual ego, I have to laugh at false humility or thinking myself free from mass consciousness scripts.
I needed to start accepting to be no-one, nothing, with no kind of success at romantic love or work or motherhood, nothing to show for, no outer validation, no shiny beautiful self but yet to discover a sense of utter worthiness that is bigger than all the superfluous glow.
I laugh at myself for where I have travelled has truly been a land of the dead and yet resurrection is always the promise.
What is in store for me, is the gift of the unknown, a mystery I bow to with great joy.
But let me tell you, there is something moving through my body, I dont know what but I can’t stop it.